How to Deal with 'Negative' People Without Losing Yourself

Updated July 2026

This week I’ve found myself in conversation with more than one client about how to handle negative people. At work, it might be the colleague who complains before the meeting has even started, the manager who only seems to notice what’s wrong, the team member who resists every idea, or the person whose mood walks into the room before they do.

Outside work, it might be the friend who turns every conversation into a drama, the family member who can’t let a happy moment stay happy, or the group chat that leaves you feeling irritated, heavy or suddenly second-guessing yourself.

And the hard part is, we can’t always get away from these people. We still have to attend the meeting, answer the email, sit at the dinner table, keep the project moving, stay professional, stay kind and stay in the conversation without handing over our entire mood for the day.

So, this article isn’t really about how to avoid negative people. It’s about how to be around negative people without becoming negative yourself. Or smaller. Or sharper. Or quieter. Or more exhausted than you need to be.

When I first wrote about this topic back in 2020, I used the phrase “Negative Nellies”. Even then, I wasn’t a huge fan of it (and not only because it is too close to my own name!). Now, I like it even less, because people are rarely only negative. People are layered. They are carrying pressure, fear, disappointment, grief, resentment, exhaustion and old habits we may know nothing about.

The person who complains constantly may have learned that complaining is the only way they get attention. The person who criticises everything may be trying to feel in control. The person who always points out what could go wrong may have been rewarded for doing exactly that.

That doesn’t make their behaviour easy to be around. It doesn’t mean you have to absorb it, excuse it or make yourself endlessly available for it. It simply means we can be honest about the impact someone has on us without reducing them to a label.

When someone feels negative to us, there are usually two things happening. There is what they are doing, and there is what happens inside us in response. They may be complaining, criticising, dismissing, resisting or finding the cloud behind every silver lining. But then we have our part. Do we absorb it? Do we argue with it? Do we try to fix it? Do we become overly nice? Do we over-explain? Do we try to cheer them up? Do we join in because complaining feels like connection for a moment?

This is where our power is. Not in trying to turn every negative person into a sunny, emotionally generous delight. Good luck with that. But in learning how to stay connected to who we are when someone else brings an energy we don’t want to take on.

Notice your reaction before you respond

Most of us know the feeling. You see their name appear on your phone and your body reacts before you’ve even read the message. You hear they’re coming to the meeting and you start bracing yourself before they’ve walked into the room. They make one comment and suddenly you feel irritated, defensive, anxious, small or determined to prove yourself.

That reaction is information. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re too sensitive. It means you are human. We all have people who press buttons we wish they didn’t even know existed. But the earlier you notice your reaction, the more choice you have about what happens next.

Sometimes you’re not reacting to this one comment. You’re reacting to every comment they’ve made for the last two years. Sometimes you’re not reacting to this one email. You’re reacting to the story you already have about them. Sometimes their tone reminds you of someone else entirely.

So before you reply, pause. Before you defend yourself, breathe. Before you join the complaint, ask yourself, “Is this really where I want this conversation to go?” That tiny pause is important. Not because it magically makes the other person more positive, but because it gives you a moment to come back to yourself before an old habit takes over.

Decide who you want to be before you walk in

If you know someone’s negativity tends to affect you, don’t wait until you’re already in front of them to decide how you want to show up. Do it before the meeting, before the phone call, before the family lunch, before the message.

And I don’t mean you need to sit cross-legged in a field for forty-five minutes and become the most enlightened version of yourself. Lovely if you have the time.

I mean take a moment and ask yourself: Who do I want to be in this conversation? Calm? Clear? Direct? Light? Professional? Kind, but not available for drama?

That decision changes how you enter the room.

Some people imagine themselves surrounded by light. Some imagine a clear bubble around them. Some place both feet on the floor, take a breath and remind themselves, “I don’t have to take this on.”

One client of mine once imagined a very negative colleague speaking in a Donald Duck voice, which made it almost impossible to be pulled into the usual dynamic. Ridiculous? Absolutely. Effective? Also yes.

Sometimes we give negative people a kind of authority in our minds they haven’t actually earned. We make them bigger, louder, more powerful and more important than they need to be. Occasionally, making them a tiny bit ridiculous in your mind helps you remember they are a person, not a life sentence.

Don’t join the negative spiral

One of the easiest things to do around negative people is join them. Someone complains, so we complain too. Someone criticises, so we add our own criticism. Someone is cynical, so we become cynical. For a moment, it can feel like connection. But afterwards, you may notice you feel heavier, irritated, disappointed in something you said, or annoyed that you were pulled into a conversation you didn’t really want to have. That’s the negative spiral. And you don’t have to climb in with both feet.

If the conversation is about a project, bring it back to the project. If the meeting turns into gossip, don’t feed it. If someone keeps circling the same complaint, ask what they want to do next. If the family conversation starts heading towards the same old argument, you don’t need to pack a lunch and move in for the afternoon.

You can keep it simple. “I hear you. What do you think would help?” “Let’s bring this back to what we need to decide.” “I don’t want to talk about her when she’s not here.” “I’m happy to talk through the issue, but I don’t think going over the same thing again is helping.” “I’m going to step away from this conversation for now.”

None of this needs to be dramatic. You don’t need to announce your boundary with a drumroll. You simply stop giving the conversation more energy than it deserves.

You can care without condoning

If you’re a thoughtful person, it’s easy to make allowances. You can see why someone might be negative. You can see their pressure, insecurity, disappointment or fear. You can see the old pattern playing out. And because you can see it, you start to carry it.

You tell yourself they’re having a hard time. They don’t mean it. They’re under pressure. That’s just how they are. Some of that may be true. But understanding someone’s negativity does not mean you have to become endlessly available for it.

You can have compassion and still say no. You can understand someone is under pressure and still not accept being spoken to poorly. You can care about them and still leave the conversation. You can want the best for them and still stop being the person they unload on every week.

Compassion is not the same as over-functioning. This is where many intelligent, caring women get caught. They can feel the pain underneath the negativity, so they keep making room for the negativity. They stay too long, listen too much, soften too quickly, offer another solution and make another allowance. And then they are exhausted. Not because they don’t care, but because they have confused caring with carrying.

Caring does not mean carrying. And it definitely does not mean condoning.

Ask why this person affects you so much

This is the part most people would rather skip, because it is much easier to focus on them. What they said. How they said it. How negative they are. How draining they are. How they always do this.

Maybe they are draining - I'm not saying they're not. But if one person’s mood can change your whole mood, ruin your afternoon, make you feel inadequate, silence you, sharpen you or send you into a two-hour mental replay, it’s worth asking what is happening there. Why this person? Why this tone? Why do you need them to understand you? Why does their opinion carry so much weight? Why do you feel responsible for making the conversation better?

These questions are not for self-blame. They are for self-understanding. You might realise this person reminds you of someone from your past. You might realise their criticism stings because part of you is afraid they are right. You might realise you are still trying to win approval from someone who was never generous with it.

Or you might realise the exhausting part is not only them. It is the version of you that shows up around them. The version that over-explains. The version that goes quiet. The version that tries too hard. The version that becomes sharp. The version that performs being fine, then goes home and unpacks the whole thing with your partner, your friend, your dog, and possibly the kitchen bench.

That can be confronting. But it is also where the freedom is. Because once you see the pattern, you have more choice. You can stop trying to win their approval. You can stop trying to change their mood. You can stop rehearsing the perfect response. You can stop making yourself smaller, nicer, quieter or more agreeable so everyone else feels comfortable.

Some people may never become more positive. Some workplaces will always have someone who complains. Some families will always have a critic. Some friendship groups will always have that one person who brings a little storm cloud in their handbag.

The work is not to become untouched by people. That would make you a robot. And probably not a very fun one. The work is to know how to come back to yourself. To sit in the meeting and not let one person’s negativity decide your confidence. To listen to a friend without becoming their emotional dumping ground. To attend the family lunch without becoming twelve years old the minute someone makes a comment. To stay kind without becoming available for everything.

You may not be able to change the negative person. But you can stop giving them your whole day.

This is one of the reasons I created The Soft Strength Salon. Because so much of our growth happens in these ordinary, everyday moments. The meeting where someone’s negativity throws you. The conversation where you know what you want to say, but you go quiet. The relationship where you keep giving more than feels good. The room where you’re trying to be professional, but inside you are bracing, irritated or desperate to be understood.

Inside the Salon, we work with those moments. Not as concepts, but as real conversations, real relationships, real decisions and real patterns that are asking something of you now. Not by becoming hard. Not by becoming cold. Not by becoming someone you’re not. But by building quiet, unshakeable strength from the inside.

If this article has made you realise that negative people are not only draining because of who they are, but because of who you become around them, The Soft Strength Salon may be the room for you.

Janelle Ryan is a globally recognised personal, career and leadership coach who works with high-performing professionals and established leaders navigating growth, change and the next phase of their life and leadership. She is the founder of Sky High Coaching, an international speaker, retreat leader and published author, known for her work on internal authority, soft strength and sustainable success. Janelle blends deep insight with practical application to help capable women lead with clarity, confidence and precision.