Why Love Eludes You (and how to fix it).
What am I? I am a many splendid thing…I make the world go around…everyone stops in my name and apparently the ultimate version of me is hard to find.
I’m love, of course. Easily found for some, but highly elusive for others. My view is that relationships are not supposed to be ‘hard’. There is supposed to be an ease, a flow, a positive energy of its own. If it’s not flowing, ask yourself if it’s worth your personal investment – time, energy and consciousness.
For many people, the pursuit of love feels like a merry-go-round of the following: Meet and date unsuitable person, inevitably breakup, feel heartbroken and shamed, become single again and feel miserable and depressed, lick wounds for a while, feel ‘strong’ enough to return to the dating scene, meet and date unsuitable person...rinse and repeat.
They wonder why they consistently meet, and then date, people who are unsuitable, unavailable, complicated or untrustworthy. They are at a loss of how to break the cycle. Are others just luckier than them? Is there something wrong with them?
If this sounds familiar to you, and you’d like to disembark the ride, then keep reading.
If you are repeating a pattern that does not bring the result you desire, in any area of your life, you are stuck. You are most likely stuck due to a past incident or experience in your life. That incident may have created a feeling of shame, unworthiness, suffering or fear. Those feelings become ingrained and, if not addressed and removed, downloads into your subconscious mind as an unconscious program. Sub means underneath – under your conscious mind – so these programs are very difficult to detect yourself.
By the time we are in our thirties, we are carrying around a series of unconscious programs and, of course – so is the person you are on a date with. If your past partner lied or stole from you, you have suffered relationship trauma. If you meet someone who has had the same experience, you will both be feeling similar emotions. As emotions are energy-in-motion an energetic bond is created between you – you are attracted to each other. You will share your common experience, reliving the moment and, without realising it, reaffirm the hurt and the pain - ingraining your programs more deeply. The enjoyment of sharing the same energy, emotions, experiences, intimacy and memories – relating to each other – will sometimes feel like love. But is it really?
A few months into the relationship, when all the feel-good chemicals and initial excitement has worn off, you may start to wonder who this person is. Where did the person you met disappear to? They lapsed back into their unconscious programs, as have you. As the relationship progresses those who continue to suffer from past relationship trauma will start to feel vulnerable and exposed and begin protecting their heart. One or both of you will likely, unconsciously, self-sabotage the relationship.
The best relationships are those built by two people who are already whole, happy and ready to open their hearts fully. With so many of us having been hurt in the past, this ideal match can be tricky to find. We all want to protect ourselves from further pain.
Take a moment and reflect on what we are really looking for when we search for love. We are really searching for the feelings of joy, happiness, excitement, fulfillment – which is something we all deserve. What if you felt these feelings, within yourself, already? What if you stepped into your next relationship from this place?
How do we do that? Let’s begin. Get excited!
Write down all the things you want in a relationship and work on becoming that person. Begin to step into and emulate all the traits and qualities you’d like to see in the other person. Decide on the type of relationship you desire and work on the becoming the person who would create that relationship.
Looking for something infers lack. Do not look for someone to take away your hurt or pain, or to make you ‘feel better’. Do not wait for something outside of you to appear, so you can feel something different inside. Create the internal feeling yourself. When you feel so happy within yourself, when you are so grateful you are you and you don’t want to be anyone else, when you stop being your past and start focusing on the present and the future, you will know what I mean.
Take the time to look at your own unconscious programs – your thoughts, habits, familiar emotions. You create your personal-reality, or personality. If you stay the same you will attract and create the same.
This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect (nobody is) and it doesn’t mean you won’t find the person of your dreams whilst doing this work. Keep your heart open and learn from your experiences (wisdom, not fear). When you know yourself much better, love yourself unconditionally and only want the very best for yourself you will know, quickly, if that person you’ve just met is your equal or not. Then you can make an empowering choice.
You have to draw a line in the sand, and I did this myself one decade ago. I was done with unhealthy, toxic relationships with unsuitable men. I can remember where I was standing when I made the declaration, out loud. I decided, in that moment, that I would rather be happy and single than unhappy and part of a couple. I vowed to spend the rest of that year, and beyond (I’m still doing it!) making myself whole and happy. Three months after my declaration, when I was so in love with my life that I stopped looking for it in another person, Handsome Hubby appeared.
I have done this work myself. And some days it was laborious. I had to remember my intentions, remember who I wanted to grow into and make new and foreign decisions and choices. I had to take new actions. But it led me here, into an amazing marriage that was worth the wait and worth the work.
If you would like to unlock your unconscious programs and fall so in love with yourself and your life that new possibilities (romantic or other) flow to you, with me as your coach, we will be doing so in the 2021 Salon. The Salon is a 6-month group coaching program – a welcoming, safe, nurturing space where you come together with like-minded souls and leave completely transformed.
If this intrigues, interests or excites you CLICK HERE for all the info. We start the moment you say yes – no waiting.