Are You Mistaking Avoiding Conflict for Kindness?

We’re diving into a topic that most people prefer to avoid - literally. Fear of conflict.

And here’s the thing: this isn’t just a “workplace issue.” Fear of conflict sneaks into every area of life. It’s as common as Tupperware containers without their lids (you know exactly what I mean 🤣).

This subject can land differently for everyone. For some, it’s confronting. For others, it’s eye-opening. And for a few, it’s already familiar.

However it lands, notice your reaction, because that’s where the insight is.

Do Any of These Sound Familiar?

• Avoiding giving a team member feedback you know they need

• That constant, undeniable hum of discord in your team… that you quietly ignore

• Being overlooked for promotions, with vague (and unhelpful) feedback about why

• A recurring argument with your partner that never actually resolves

• A sibling rivalry as old as… well, you

• Agreeing to your friends’ plans, wants, or desires - even when they don’t match yours

• A constant tightness in your chest (sometimes even spilling into health issues)

• Feeling easily triggered or irritated by those certain people (you know the ones)

• Reacting to a situation a bit strongly (or loudly)… then regretting it

• Swallowing the words you really want to say

• Performance reviews that tell you to “be more decisive,” “calm down,” “speak up more,” “stop being combative,” or “regulate your emotions”

If so, you may be living with fear of conflict (cue dramatic gasp!). It’s a fear that is sneaky, slippery, and creates a whole lot of mischief in every part of our lives.

Sneaky Trick No. 1: It Never Calls Itself “Fear of Conflict”

It rarely sounds like “I’m afraid of conflict.” Instead, it slides in as:

• “I’m worried I’ll upset someone.”

• “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

• “I don’t want to rock the boat.”

• “It’s easier if I just let it go.”

• “I’ll just wait and see if it sorts itself out.”

• “I don’t want to make things awkward.”

• “I’d rather focus on the positive.”

Sounds kind, doesn’t it? I used to think so too.

But let’s take a closer look:

• “I’m worried I’ll upset someone.” → I’m worried someone won’t like me.

• “I don’t want to rock the boat.” → The boat is already rocking, I’m just pretending it’s fine.

• “It’s easier if I just let it go.” → Easier for who, exactly?

• “I’ll just wait and see if it sorts itself out.” → Spoiler alert: it rarely does.

• “I don’t want to make things awkward.” → They probably already are.

• “I’d rather focus on the positive.” → Also known as toxic positivity.

The truth? These are all protective strategies - ways of avoiding discomfort, rejection or looking like the “bad guy.”

The Hard Truth

When you say these things, you make it about you. Not your team, your partner, your friend or your family member. You.

And here’s the kicker: avoiding conflict doesn’t keep the peace. It just creates… simmering chaos.

• At work: vague expectations, tension brewing like a bad coffee and teams losing trust. (Yes, this is one of the big reasons promotions stall, teams stall - and you stall.)

• In friendships: agreeing to things you don’t want to do, while resentment bubbles underneath.

• In families: “we don’t talk about that” on repeat.

• In relationships: unmet needs and passive-aggressive sighing. (This is why relationships get stuck in the same old patterns.)

Because how you show up in one place is how you show up everywhere.

Avoiding conflict isn’t kindness. It’s self-protection dressed up as harmony.

Why We Learned to Avoid It

The deeper truth? Many of us were raised to be “good little girls” - polite, agreeable, never rocking the boat.

Or we’ve had experiences where expressing our needs or wants led to rejection or abandonment.

And let’s not forget the primal part of us that knew we had to be liked and accepted by the tribe to survive. (That’s a whole other story 🤣.)

So yes, no wonder we learned to avoid conflict. The fear is real.

But here’s the thing: that old wiring doesn’t serve the leader (or the human) you are now, or the one you’re becoming.

It doesn’t serve the team you lead, the friend you adore, the partner you love or the family you nurture. Which means it doesn’t serve you, either.

The Pressure Builds

This fear of conflict is like a shaken can of soft drink just waiting to explode.

And we know it. We feel it. We don’t like it. Deep down, we want to be seen, heard and understood. We want to stop suppressing and start expressing - with clarity, kindness and confidence.

The Good News

That’s why, at every single Sky High Coaching Intensive, fear of conflict shows up. Every. Single. Time. And every time, we meet it head-on.

Because when you finally learn to face conflict with courage, you unlock:

• Stronger teams

• Deeper connections

• And way less awkward eye contact at the dinner table 🤣

👉 The next Intensive is happening March 2026 in Victoria, Australia. Those who join the pre-launch waitlist first get the best price and the juiciest bonuses.

Ready to change the way you lead, connect, and communicate? Join the waitlist by emailing janelle@skyhighcoaching.com.au. It's free, and no-obligation.