The Hidden Power Dynamic in Difficult Conversations (And How to Change It)

Why Intelligent Women Sometimes Struggle to Hold Their Ground at Work and at Home.

Let me tell you about Ziggy.

Ziggy is my border collie. He is bright, bossy and entirely convinced he supervises our entire neighbourhood. He keeps a close eye on other dogs. He monitors passing cyclists. He has opinions about absolutely everything.

Until we round the corner and encounter the neighbour’s enormous female cat. She lies there on the footpath as if she owns the postcode. She does not hiss. She does not arch her back. She does not perform. She barely opens one eye.

And my brave, loud, very confident dog slows down. He hesitates. He recalibrates. And then he takes a very wide berth around her.

She has not said a word.

It would be easy to say this is about dominance. It isn’t. It’s about steadiness. She is not scanning him. She is not adjusting. She is not asking a question. She is simply self-contained.

And he responds to that.

We tend to assume our difficult conversations are shaped by what we say. And of course language matters. Words can clarify, escalate or soothe. But they are not the only factor at play. Conversations are influenced just as much by where our attention sits as by the sentences we choose.

There is a power dynamic operating in every difficult conversation you have. At work. At home. In negotiations. In disagreements with your partner. In conversations with your children. In tense moments with family. Wherever two people are interacting, something subtle is happening beneath the language.

When conversations feel easy, this dynamic moves back and forth naturally. One person speaks, the other listens. One proposes, the other considers. It feels balanced.

But when something is at stake - when the conversation becomes charged, when someone pushes back, when you feel challenged - attention shifts.

If you are intelligent and perceptive, which I suspect you are if you are reading this, you are probably very good at reading a room. You can sense when someone is uncomfortable. You notice tone changes. You anticipate reactions.

That is not weakness. It is relational intelligence.

The difficulty begins when your attention moves entirely outward and you begin adjusting yourself in response. You soften your language. You edit mid-sentence. You reframe what you were about to say. You monitor how your words are landing. You try to keep things smooth.

And, while you are doing that, who is holding your position?

Alternatively, attention can turn inward in a different way. You start wondering how you are coming across. You question your clarity. You become careful rather than clear. You lose access to the steadiness you had moments earlier.

Neither of these responses mean you lack confidence. They mean your attention has shifted.

And influence shifts when attention shifts.

If you have ever found yourself freezing in a conversation that mattered, I wrote about that experience in more depth in a previous article. This piece moves beyond the freeze itself and looks at what is happening underneath it - the structure shaping influence long before words are spoken.→ Why Intelligent Women Freeze in Moments That Matter

Executive presence, negotiation skills and confidence in difficult conversations all come back to one simple question. Can you remain connected to yourself while you are in relationship with someone else?

Most accomplished women have been trained to receive others beautifully. You can track emotion, nuance and mood with impressive accuracy. Far fewer of us were trained to pause and receive ourselves with the same discipline.

What do I want here? What matters to me? What outcome am I actually trying to create?

Without that inward clarity, direction wobbles. You can still speak. You can still contribute. But you are subtly adjusting around someone else’s certainty rather than standing inside your own.

This is not about overpowering anyone. It is about not abandoning yourself.

If you want to build real influence in difficult conversations - whether you are negotiating a salary, setting a boundary at home or navigating a tense family discussion - the shift is surprisingly simple.

Pause.

Before you respond, take a breath and check in with yourself. Ask what you want. Not what will keep things smooth. Not what will make them comfortable. What you want.

Then speak from there.

You do not need to be louder. You do not need to dominate the room. You do not need to change your personality. You simply need to remain anchored in your own position while you engage with theirs.

Ziggy steps aside because the cat is self-contained. She is not dramatic. She is not aggressive. She is steady.

You do not need to become harder to build influence. You need to become more anchored.

Quiet women do not lack influence. They often lose access to it in moments that feel charged or important.

The good news is that this is not a personality trait. It is a capacity. And capacities can be built.

As you move through the rest of your day today, I invite you to check in with yourself during the conversations you’re part of. Where is your attention?

Are you managing the other person?

Monitoring yourself?

Or, anchored in what you actually want?

That awareness alone begins to change things.

And if you’d like to go deeper, I’ve created something practical for you.

The Unshakeable Woman Blueprint is a complimentary guide designed to help you strengthen your self-trust and access your voice more reliably, especially in the moments that matter. It will give you structure, not slogans. Tools, not hype.

You can download it here.→ The Unshakeable Woman Blueprint

And if you are ready to practise this in real time, with me by your side, the Soft Strength Salon is where we do that work together. Intelligent women, honest conversations, no performance. Just learning how to stay anchored while you speak, lead and live.

You can explore the Soft Strength Salon here.

Because influence is not about becoming someone else. It is about becoming more steadily yourself.

Janelle Ryan is a globally recognised personal, career and leadership coach who works with high-performing professionals and established leaders navigating growth, change and the next phase of their life and leadership. She is the founder of Sky High Coaching, an international speaker, retreat leader and published author, known for her work on internal authority, soft strength and sustainable success. Janelle blends deep insight with practical application to help capable women lead with clarity, confidence and precision.