Why Do Women Freeze in Moments That Matter?

There is something I see everywhere in women’s lives, and yet we almost never name it properly.

It is that moment when you know exactly what you want to say. You have rehearsed it in your head. You have thought it through. You are clear.

The moment arrives. And. Nothing. Comes. Out.

Your mind goes blank. Your body tightens. Your throat closes. Later, you replay the conversation in forensic detail and think, Why didn’t I just say it?

I have had more than a few of those moments.

One that still stands out happened years ago when I was working in the corporate world. We were in a negotiation meeting, slicing up a pie that everyone in the room wanted a piece of. Some of them wanted my slice too. I walked in clear. I knew why I was there. I knew what I was negotiating for. I knew what mattered.

There was a woman in the room I believed was my ally. But as she began to speak, it became very apparent she was not. She wanted her slice and mine. I felt it instantly. That rush of activation in my body. Heat. Shock. A sudden sense of threat.

When it was my turn to speak, my body shut down. I froze. Not subtly. Obviously. I became so emotionally activated (triggered!) that I stood up and walked out of the meeting.

I did not say what I needed to say. I did not represent my team. I did not represent myself. Afterwards I felt like I had let everyone down.

The freeze does not only show up at work. It shows up socially too.

You know the moment when someone asks you something that is wildly inappropriate. And because you don't want to reply you freeze and say nothing - like a deer in headlights.

Then there are the romantic moments. The text arrives at the last minute. He is going out for work drinks. You have cooked a surprise dinner. The food is ready. You say nothing.

I once stayed silent about something - not sharing it with my partner - that was incredibly important to me for months. I'm so mortified with myself it still makes me roll my eyes. It was not until I worked with a coach that I finally spoke up. I am very glad I did.

And family. How many times have you swallowed something you wanted to say in order to keep the peace?

We even freeze in front of strangers, when they ambush us in public without warning. My most recent example is being reprimanded for taking my dog down someone's driveway to avoid an incident.

If you are nodding along whilst you're reading this, I'm sure your own examples are already coming to mind.

The times you said no to help when you needed it.

The times someone asked you to help them and you said yes, even though you did not have the time (and let's be honest... the inclination!)

The moments you avoided saying you wanted the promotion.

The times you dimmed yourself in a room you had every right to occupy.

Afterwards you feel annoyed. At them. At yourself. At the situation.

So here is the real question. Why do intelligent, capable, often high performing women go quiet in moments that matter? And why is it so unpredictable?

One day you can hold your ground with a single look. The next day you protest something and it comes out sharp and shrill, as though you have borrowed someone else’s voice.

And, why is it so important for women to speak up?

The world runs on agreements. Families run on agreements. Workplaces run on agreements. Relationships, money, systems and communities all run on agreements. And yet most of us were never taught how to make agreements from our own desires. We grew up in a world where the rules were already written. What was appropriate. What was polite. What was too much.

Many women were taught, subtly or directly, to be accommodating, emotionally aware and not take up too much space.

None of this makes us weak. But it does mean many women never learned how to say clearly and calmly, This is what I want. This is what I need. This does not work for me.

When we cannot voice our desires, we cannot create agreements that bring them to life. And when we cannot create agreements that work for us, we slowly lose influence in our own lives.

Before we talk about taking power back, we have to be clear about what power is and what it is not. Power is not confidence. You can feel confident and still stay silent. Power is not courage. You can be brave and still override yourself. It is not about being loud, dominant or persuasive.

It is certainly not control. Control can work in the short term. It can look effective. But it always costs too much in the long term. You lose goodwill. You lose creativity. You lose trust. Eventually people disengage or leave.

Power is also not inner work. I love journaling, breathwork, meditation, walking in nature and Pilates. They ground me. They centre me. But they do not automatically make me speak when it matters.

Power is not a feeling you generate in isolation. Power exists inside a dynamic. It requires another person. It is influence. It is the ability to stay present, know what you want and create an agreement that works for both parties.

Influence does not force. It invites. And the most exciting part? Sometimes it creates a third possibility neither of you could have imagined alone.

This capacity is especially important for women in the workforce. We know that women often wait until they feel one hundred percent ready before applying for a role (there's a stack of research). Men do not.

Over time, freezing in key moments compounds. You do not negotiate the salary. You do not correct the assumption. You do not articulate the vision. You do not challenge the narrative. And slowly your influence shrinks. Not because you are incapable, but because you did not speak.

The good news is this is not a personality trait. It is a capacity. And capacity can be built.

The question is not whether you have power. The question is whether you can rely on yourself to use your voice when the moment requires it.

If something in you recognises this pattern, you are not alone. You are most likely one of the women who was taught, as a child, to be a good little girl and be quiet. You are likely operating with older conditioning inside newer expectations.

The world has (thankfully) changed. The internal rules many women were taught have not fully caught up.

But you can.

If you want to Expand, Create and Lead in your life and work, you will need your voice. Not occasionally. Reliably.

And that is something you can learn. If you would like a place to begin, I have a few options available right now.

1. I have created a complimentary resource called The Unshakeable Woman Blueprint. It will help you begin to build your confidence and courage to respond differently. It is practical, grounded and designed for women who are done replaying conversations in their heads.

2. For intelligent women who are tired of editing themselves and want to speak, lead and live with unshakeable strength - and want to learn to do with me as there coach, my coaching programme Soft Strength Salon may be for you.

3. If you prefer one-on-one attention, then Private Coaching is also available.

Janelle Ryan is a globally recognised personal, career and leadership coach who works with high-performing professionals and established leaders navigating growth, change and the next phase of their life and leadership. She is the founder of Sky High Coaching, an international speaker, retreat leader and published author, known for her work on internal authority, soft strength and sustainable success. Janelle blends deep insight with practical application to help capable women lead with clarity, confidence and precision.